What I Learned From My Mistakes Living in Tokyo
Living in Japan is full of little moments that teach you something new. Some lessons come through language, while others come from accidentally breaking a cultural custom you didn't even know existed. Most of the time, nobody calls you out in the moment. Instead, you find out later through a friend or family member, giving you the chance to learn without feeling embarrassed.
In this episode, I share some of the mistakes I made while living in Tokyo and what they taught me about Japanese culture. None of them were major, but together they helped me better understand the importance of social harmony and why so many customs exist. Looking back, the mistakes themselves weren't nearly as important as the lessons behind them.
Watch the Full Episode
Learning That the Little Things Matter
Some of the first lessons I learned while living in Japan happened around the dinner table.
Without realizing it, I pointed at someone with my chopsticks while talking—something known as 指し箸 (sashibashi). Another time, I used my chopsticks like a knife and fork to tear food apart, called ちぎり箸 (chigiribashi). Both are examples of 嫌い箸 (kirai-bashi), a collection of chopstick etiquette that is generally considered poor manners in Japan.
What surprised me most wasn't that I'd made a mistake, but how I found out about it. Nobody corrected me at the table. Instead, someone mentioned it afterward, giving me the chance to learn without feeling embarrassed. Looking back, that's become one of the biggest lessons I've learned about Japanese culture itself.
Learning the Rhythm of Life in Japan
Some customs only made sense once I understood the reason behind them.
At my brother-in-law's wedding reception, I walked around chatting with different guests because that's what I was used to at weddings back home. Later, my wife explained that guests at more traditional Japanese receptions generally stay at their assigned tables so the event runs smoothly for everyone involved.
I had a similar realization at ramen shops. Many are designed for quick customer turnover, so the expectation is to enjoy your meal and head out once you're finished. My friend Robin explained this to me years ago, and suddenly the whole system made much more sense.
Even group drinking has its own rhythm. Rather than pouring your own drink, it's common to pour for the people around you and let them do the same for you. It's a small gesture, but one that reflects the attentiveness that's often valued in Japanese social settings.
The Thought Behind the Customs
Many of the customs I encountered weren't really about strict rules. They were about showing consideration for the people around you.
My wife taught me early in our relationship that leaving rice in your bowl can be seen as wasteful, especially among older generations who grew up with a very different relationship to food. The lesson wasn't to force yourself to eat more than you wanted, but simply to take only what you expected to finish.
Another custom many foreigners eventually notice is 遠慮の塊 (enryo no katamari)—the last piece of food that somehow nobody wants to take. Holding back out of politeness is common in group settings, and waiting for someone else to offer the last piece is often seen as the more considerate choice.
Individually, these customs seem small. Together, they paint a much clearer picture of the values that shape everyday life in Japan.
Looking Back
None of these mistakes ruined my day, and nobody ever scolded me over them. Instead, they became some of the most valuable lessons I've learned while living in Tokyo.
One thing I've come to appreciate is that social harmony in Japan is often maintained quietly. Rather than calling someone out in the moment, people often trust that once you understand the situation, you'll naturally adjust. It's an approach I've grown to respect, and it's taught me just as much about life in Japan as the customs themselves.
If you've had your own "learned it the hard way" moments while living in Japan, I'd love to hear about them. Chances are, we've all made a few of the same mistakes along the way.